The one where I officially announce I'm getting divorced

There are so many things I won't write on my blog.
To say all the things I'd really like to say,
I'd have to start over with a completely anonymous space.
Take my picture off. Don't show pics of my kids.
And not tell anyone in my life about it.

But frankly I don't have the time, or desire, to
work that hard to share all my personal feelings
with the internet. That's what girlfriends are for.
And therapists.

But keeping my personal life so incredibly locked down
is starting to wear on me. I need to be able to share
some of what I'm going through here, without getting
into all the gory details that could come back
to haunt me later.

This is, after all, my blog. And I am, in my heart, a writer.
And today I woke up with the overwhelming need to
start telling my story again, not just blather on about products
and things about town.

Not that I don't like writing about those things,
but lately they've been, well, more superficial than I'd like -
as I've been moving through my personal stuff to get to the point
where I felt the time was right to go public. To announce that

I'm getting divorced.

I'm getting divorced.

10 years.
nearly 8 of them married.
2 children. (ages 4 and 2)
1 house.
Yes, we tried counseling (lots of it)
No, I'm not keeping the house.
Yes, he moved out 2 months ago.
Yes, I'm sure.
The kids are doing well, considering.

Of course, when I said "I do" I believed it was forever.
I was bright-eyed and ready to take on life with my partner by
my side. Like most married people.
I never wanted to end up here.
I never imagined I would end up here.
I did everything I could to avoid ending up here.

But in the end, this is the decision.
And it is incredibly sad. And it is incredibly painful.
The only pain I can relate it to is the pain I felt at the
death of my grandmother who I loved more than the
stars in the sky. But worse.

My days are still up and down, and I expect they will be this
way for a long time. Some days I'm feeling great, and strong and
confident. Some days are really hard. On those days my
emotions are so real and my feelings so raw that I barely notice
the tears pouring from my eyes.

But even more than the pain I feel for myself is the pain
I feel for my children. I know what it's like to be a child of
divorce. My mom was divorced three times. I know
what it feels like to be a child hurting in a family
where the parents argue all the time. I know what it's
like to hide in my closet because I was afraid. And I know
enough to know that even though divorce sucks,
really fucking sucks, that sometimes it's better than
the alternative.

My hours are now filled with even more parenting and chores
around the house. And work projects I take home with me because
I can't just stay late at the office anymore. I'm tied to the house.
No more running to Target after the kids are in bed. No more
coffee with friends or running up to the pharmacy or taking just
one sick kid to the doctor. Yes, this adjustment of being a
single parent has been challenging.

I know I will look back at my life 10 years from now
and honor this time as being one of the most difficult of my life.
And yet, there are moments of beauty. Of self-discovery. Of relief.
Of happiness. I make time every day to dance and play and laugh
with my children. They need that from me. I need that, too.
Right now, right now, I am getting through one. day. at. a. time.
With a lot of help from my friends. And the Lord who gives me
strength and blesses me with His grace.

30 Day Shred Results: Getting Fit Update

About a month ago I shared what I'm doing to lose weight and get fit. Every one's been asking me if I kept my goal to do the 30 Day Shred work out every day for 30 days. The answer is yes, and no. When I was close to being finished, like day 25, I got pretty sick. Bronchitis, in fact. I had to stop working out because I couldn't breathe well, and it took me 12 days to recover enough to get back to working out. Once I started back again, it was slow going and not every day like it had been before. It was more like every-other-day. But I did end up hitting 30 days of Shred work outs, so I feel like I met my initial goal ~ just not all straight in a row.

For those of you curious about the 30 Day Shred - I did 10 days at Level 1, 10 days at Level 2, then switched to Level 3. However, when I returned to working out after being sick, I went back down to level 2 for 3 workout sessions until I felt I had regained my strength, then back up to 3. In my original post I talk about what I like about the Shred and why it was motivating for me. So take a look if you are considering the Shred. It's not for everyone. For example, if you have bad knees, or don't like people yelling at you. :) I also highly recommend you buy a good pair of cross-trianer shoes before starting to shred - don't just use your old walking shoes like I did. As soon as I moved to Level 2 I realized I needed more support. Wish I would have had my new ones from the beginning. It made a huge different in my comfort and the quality of the workouts.

As you may recall, I had already lost 20 lbs between 1/1/09 and 12/30/09. My goal for 2010 is to lose 28 more. In fact, my plan is to hit that by my birthday in May. I also want to get down to my pre-pregnancy size of 8. So how did using the 30 Day Shred help me kick off my goals for the new year?

Results from shredding and eating healthy/cutting calories:

Lost 8.4 lbs

Lost 2 inches bust

Lost 3 inches waist

Lost 2 inches hips

Have muscles!

Lost TWO PANT SIZES!!!

Current goals

Lose 20 more lbs

Lose 1-2 sizes

Continue exercising minimum of 5 days/week

I've also gotten a lot stronger and developed muscles in places I've never had before! (The Shred video includes strength training with hand weights). People say muscle weighs more than fat, and I definitely feel like my body has been reshaped from the work outs even though I didn't lose a dramatic amount of weight. That said, if my exercise routines continue to shape and build muscle, I may end up amending my goals. If I feel good about myself and am down to the size I want to wear again, I won't kill myself to lose another 5-10 pounds.

Some of you have asked if I'm going to keep using the 30 Day Shred DVD, the answer is yes! The workouts are still great by themselves without having to do them every single day. I've also been starting to alternate the Shred with Jillian Michael's DVD Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism, which is a 45 minute hard-core cardio routine. I like having the longer cardio for calorie burning and taking a day off from the weights. And it's just as killer of a workout as the Shred, yes it is!

Also, for a third option, when I really don't want to work out at all, I've been doing a Yoga DVD to stretch out, work on balance and center myself. That's been great! So my goal is to rotate those three options for now and keep working towards my goals. Speaking of Yoga, Jillian also just released a new Yoga DVD, and as you can expect, it looks hard core. I hope to pick it up soon.

One thing that has been great is all the support from my blog readers, my tweeps (that is twitter speak for peeps), and friends. Thank you for your encouragement and support! This cute girly next to me is Jen a.k.a. The Prior Fat Girl. If you are interested in losing weight, you should check out Jen's blog. She's so inspirational! Not only has she lost 100+ pounds, but she has openly shared her story and encourages others on her kickin' blog!

Last week Jen held her first gathering of readers to support each other (see her recap here). I was excited to attend and meet some other women going through the same thing. There were approximately 40 of us and there was such a positive vibe, it was great! Jen said a few words, asked a couple of girls to speak, and then led the group in some reflective exercises. One involved writing down your biggest fear about your weight loss journey. Then the fears were shuffled and we took turns reading them (anonymously) to the rest of the group. We all noticed how similar our fears were - most of them had to do with failure. It was really eye opening.

Well, with such great support and discipline, I believe we can all be successful! Again, thank you, my dear friends, for your support and encouragement. Stay tuned - next update in about a month.

p.s. I know you are all going to want to see before and after pics of the shred. Unfortunately I just don't feel comfortable putting those pics up on the internet. I do have them though for my own inspiration. And maybe, just maybe, if you ask nicely, I might share them with you individually. :)

Have you been to The Kindness Cafe?

You could say I eat out a lot. Well, okay, not so much since I had kids and one of those kids was diagnosed with severe food allergies. But... I love going out for meals ~ the food, the company, the ambiance. Oh, and being served. Yes, I love it when other people do the cooking and running and I can simply enjoy.

I avoid chain restaurants whenever possible (not including Chipotle, of course) and love trying new places. So I was excited to try The Q Kindness Cafe in St. Paul last Saturday, when Jen a.k.a. the Prior Fat Girl invited a group of bloggers to meet there for breakfast. Most of us had met at the Minnesota Blogger Volunteer Event in January, so it was fun to see each other again.

Here we are, meet Kate, Beth, Cindy, me, Trish and Jen.

Let me tell you a bit about this cafe. Have you heard the phrase Minnesota Nice? The Kindness Cafe must have invented it, because everything about the cafe, from the quotes on the menus to the Kindness wheel, is about being kind to others. The cafe space is colorful, airy and has a positive vibe.
And then there's Lisa, the owner, who is sooo bright and happy, I wanted to take her home to be my own personal cheerleader. She's getting tuned into social media with a great facebook page for the cafe and when she heard I was a blogger (I was the first to arrive and we were chatting) her first question was "How many followers do you have?" :) Perhaps she wondered if I'd be spreading the word about her fabulous cafe to all of you!

Lisa shared the history of the cafe and story after story of positive things that have happened because their patrons were inspired to be kind to others. And you don't just go there to get inspired, either. You can give, or you can receive. Here Jen demonstrates the Kindness Wheel.

You spin it to do something nice for others. Optional, of course. It gives you different items from the cafe to buy something for someone else. Like a bakery item or a coffee drink. Then, the next person who goes up to pay for the item you just paid for will be told that someone purchased their item for them and that there is no charge. The only thing they ask is that you also perform an act of kindness and pass it forward.

Oh, and hey, the food was pretty great, too! I had oatmeal with fresh fruit and a vanilla latte - delicious! It was a great experience and I will plan to go back the next time I have the opportunity.

p.s. Did you notice how gigantic my pants are in that picture? Yeah, crazy! I went shopping right after this meal and bought pants two sizes smaller. Woo hoo! Here's the skinny on what I'm doing to lose weight if you are interested.

The fine print: I paid for my own food and was not compensated in any way to write about this restaurant.

Big News on Yo Gabba Gabba

Turns out there are a lot of Yo Gabba Gabba fans that read my blog! As you all know from my concert ticket giveaway last month, the live Yo Gabba Gabba show is coming to the Target Center on Saturday, March 13.

Check out these special announcements for my Minnesota peeps:

1. You can save big money on tickets with a special discount for my readers. Download this special order form and send it by fax or old-fashioned-mail direct to the cool folks at the Target Center group ticket office. You get the group discount price without having to order as a group, just order what you need for your family. This way you save $5/ticket on lower level seats, and you only pay one $3 processing fee for your entire order. And you completely avoid all Ticketmaster fees, which, as you know, really add up!

2. Yo Gabba Gabba will be the featured guests for Toddler Tuesday at the Mall of America, 10 a.m. to noon, March 9 in the Best Buy Rotunda. The PR folks at the MOA shared the agenda with me: there will be two songs performed by DJ Lance & Brobee (Hold Still & Get the Sillies Out), story time, a sneak peek at brand new Yo Gabba Gabba episode, and coloring activities. So if your kids are into Yo Gabba Gabba, you won't want to miss this fun morning at the Mall of America!

3. Because they expect a large crowd, Yo Gabba Gabba added a second show while they are in town. They will perform at 3 p.m. and 6 p.m. on March 13. Tickets are still available for both show times.

4. Here's a fun Yo Gabba Gabba coloring sheet you can download for your kiddos.

Chicken NO Marsala

To save time on cooking meals, almost every weekend I bake up chicken breasts, cut them up into pieces, store in individual servings, and freeze to use throughout the week. I use it in my salads, for the kids meals, sometimes I just eat it cold by itself for a little protein. It's pretty versatile and nice to have on hand ready to go.

But I've been getting a little bored with the same old, same old. I was on the hunt for something new to try with chicken. I looked through my pantry for inspiration and I came across some tomatoes from the good people over at Red Gold. They saw that I (sometimes) cook and write about recipes on my blog, and offered to send me some samples.

Then I remembered they had sent me a recipe book, too. I looked through it and there were lots of recipes that looked good and easy, but unfortunately, the ones I really wanted to make all had cheese as a main ingredient. Of course cheese and tomatoes pair together brilliantly, but that's tough for my family since one of us has severe food allergies and I can't use dairy in my cooking. So I went to my food allergy cookbooks and found a recipe for Chicken Marsala. I've never made that before. In fact, I don't think I've even eaten it before! But it sounded easy and used chicken and tomatoes, so I decided to give it a try. The reason I call it Chicken NO Marsala in this post is because I don't cook with alcohol either, so this is a traditional Chicken Marsala recipe, without the wine. Of course I tweaked it here and there, so this is my version.

Chicken NO Marsala

Ingredients:
1/2 cup flour
1 tsp garlic salt, 1 tsp basil, 1 tsp oregano
1 lb chicken breast fillets (sliced thinly)
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 tablespoon margarine
1 package button mushrooms (I used canned since I didn't have fresh on hand)
salt and pepper to taste
1 can diced tomatoes in tomato juice
* I used the Red Gold with basil, garlic and oregano flavoring
1 tablespoon corn starch
2 tablespoons water

First rinse, dry and cut the chicken into thin fillets - basically I cut lengthwise through each breast to make it into two thinner pieces.

Mix the flour and garlic salt, basil and oregano into a shallow dish and coat the chicken on both sides. Then heat the oil in your skillet on high heat. Place chicken in the skillet in a single layer and cover and cook until lightly brown, about 3 minutes.

Then turn the chicken over and cover again for another 3 minutes. Make sure your chicken is cooked through. Remove it from the skillet and set it aside.

I wanted to serve the dish over pasta, so I cooked up some linguine while I made the sauce. My favorite pasta is Dreamfields. I've been eating it for over about 6 or 7 years now and it is delicious! It tastes just like your regular pasta, but is high in fiber and has a lower glycemic index than regular pastas. It is great for people with diabetes or low-carb diets, and turned out to be perfect for our family with Avery's egg allergy - as none of their pastas are made with egg (which means all of the equipment is safe and we don't run the risk of cross-contamination). I've read that some schools are starting to use Dreamfields pasta in cafeterias as a healthier option - this is great!

To make the sauce, melt your margarine in the same skillet on medium-high heat. Add your mushrooms, some more Italian seasoning and salt and pepper to taste and saute for about 3 minutes.

Then stir in your tomatoes and bring to a boil over high heat. This is where you would throw in some wine if you were so inclined.
Now grab your corn starch and mix it well with the water in a small bowl, then add it to the boiling sauce. This will thicken it up a bit. Make sure to stir your sauce constantly, it should thicken up and then you can pour it over your chicken. I put the pasta on my serving dish first, then the chicken, then the sauce. It looked yummy.

It tasted great! Of course seasoned, coated chicken cooked in oil will always taste more rich than baked chicken! I loved the texture of it, and the flavors from the Italian blend tomatoes and the additional spices in the sauce made it more rich than I expected. The Red Gold tomatoes were great quality, had a nice flavor and were definitely red!

Remember the cookbook I mentioned from Red Gold? I happen to have two extra copies to share with readers who would like to add it to their collection. Rather than a traditional blog giveaway where someone is chosen at random, I only want to give these out to people who really think they could use them. They are nice quality cookbooks with full color pics of each recipe and nice tips and hints, too. I will send these to the first two people who leave a comment saying they want one. You MUST leave your e-mail address so I can reach you. :)

Lots of changes

As usual, I have a few big posts in my head, just waiting to get out - and I haven't had the time to properly devote to them. There's a yummy recipe I made last week (or was it two weeks ago, now?) and I want to tell you all about the fun time I had at a blogger's event hosted by Cub Foods where I learned some new things about nutrition and had more fun (and food samples) at a grocery store than I've ever had in my life.

In the meantime, here are some quick, freestyle thoughts while I have five minutes to burn... I guess I've been changing. In ways that I never thought I would. Some big changes, some small changes. Many people embrace change. Yeah, I'm not really one of them. Most of the time I avoid change like the plague. Sometimes I seek it out... but only if something isn't working for me anymore.

So how have I changed? Well, for one, I've realized that I can actually like working out. I've always hated exercising. I was the girl who claimed cramps in gym class so I could sit out running laps. Yeah, I had childhood asthma, but by junior high I was pretty over it. Used that excuse a lot longer than I needed to. I've worked out off and on throughout my adult life, and hated it. With my new motivation to get fit, I stumbled on the 30-day Shred DVD by Jillian Michaels and I really enjoy it! It's fun (in a kick-your-ass-sort-of-way) and I like her style. I feel more confident in myself and my strength, and oh yeah, I'm looking and feeling better, too. This is a big change, peeps.

Another thing is I now drive a mini-van. Yeah, you've heard me talk about my identity crisis all over my facebook page. Well, once I finally made the decision to get over myself and drive a vehicle for the functions I wanted and not just the cool-factor, I was happy. I mean REALLY happy. I love my mini-van. Turns out young men try to flirt with mini-van moms while they are driving. Um, yeah (weird!), or maybe it's the weight loss. Either way, kinda funny. And no, I do not encourage that behavior. Eyes straight ahead people.

Third on my list is tea. I have always hated tea. Iced tea, hot tea. YUCK. But this last year it became my mission to find tea that I actually liked. It had to be strong hot tea, like coffee. But all the tea I tried was weak. Finally one day I tried some of the Good Earth hot tea and fell. in. love. It's wonderful! Then I went to Teavana and had the peeps there teach me all about loose tea and found a few more flavors that I love. Like peppermint. And a peach medley. If I use about 50% more tea than required and let it brew about a minute longer, it gets strong enough for my tastes. :)

Fourth - I like wearing an apron. Seriously, I'm almost disgusted with myself. It's so domestic it makes me want to vomit. I've always been so, well, anti-domestic. But my kids bought me a fun apron for Christmas and I just love it.

Of course I have some big changes going on in my life, too, that make these small changes feel pretty small. But it's interesting to look back over the last 6-12 months and see all these little things add up.